Do you ever think
closely about the concept of “Betrayal”? By definition, betrayal is the action of betraying one's country, a group, or a person; treachery. It has “Disloyalty", "Treacherous", and "Bad Faith” as synonym. So it make sense when the antonym is "Loyalty".
A betrayal is a
violation of someone’s trust.
And I take it
seriously.
I learned when I was 9,
an adult is capable to hurt children by violating their innocence. And then
another adult that was supposed to protect me, instead of defending me, blamed
me for it. I was basically called a whore. I felt like a whore. I still feel
like one.
When I was 12, my
father betrayed my mother. I watched them fight and I watched my mother turned
into a shell of who she was that would just cry on the corner of a room. They
made up with him promising not to do it again.
When I was 15, my
father sat me down and told me that he’s leaving me because he loved another
woman. He did it again. When the pain in my chest hit me, then I realized that he didn’t only
betray my mother. He betrayed me and my brother. He betrayed his family.
I lived with anger for
six years. Denying any feeling that I felt abandoned and unloved. I suppressed
the thought that me and my family is not worth of his love. I did that by being
the best student and the best person I could be. I lived by codes that at the
time I didn’t realize was chaotic and shaping me into an adult that I am today.
I never could trust
anyone. Every relationship was a wave of perfect romance to unstable anger. I
learned that I’m capable of betraying people that I care about. I had no
control of my emotion. Half of the time I didn’t feel anything. By 21 I knew
something wrong with me, I knew it’s name but I wouldn’t self-diagnose. I was a
psychology student at the time. It would
be a betrayal to my code.
I finally let myself
to trust. To believe in the concept of love. She changed how I see the world
and I confide. I wasn’t perfect, but it felt like we were. Until she cheated
with a close a friend.
I jumped to another
relationship. We almost got married. But we had fundamental differences and one
night she chose to abandoned me completely because that’s the only way she
knows how to survive.
The similarity, they
promised me..something. Something that doesn’t matter now because they couldn’t
keep their promise.
My parents re-married with each other in 2012. Weird, I know. I was in my parents wedding. Not a lot can say that if they are the biological child. But then we found out this year that he cheated again. This is the only betrayal that doesn't affect me anymore. I haven't considered him as a father since he walked out on us.
In the same year, I was finally
diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Not without a series of messed
up things and years of self destruction. There were several psychologists,
depressions, self-harm, and suicide attempts. The diagnose is a relief and a
curse. At least now I know for sure what kind of monster I am and (maybe) I can
try to fight it.
Forgive me if this
post is all over the place. I am not in the best state of mind and I need to
pour it out somewhere. Because I just experienced another type of betrayal and
I honestly don’t know how to handle it. “Practice makes it perfect” doesn’t work
in trauma.
For simplicity
reasoning, I have to make my story compact. I am not a saint or victimizing
myself. I’m just trying to explain that I’ve faced so many betrayals and why it
hurts. I’d rather call myself a survivor but my self hate would call it a
justification for a shitty person that I am.