A short story of me and betrayal

Do you ever think closely about the concept of “Betrayal”? By definition, betrayal is the action of betraying one's country, a group, or a person; treachery. It has “Disloyalty", "Treacherous", and "Bad Faith” as synonym. So it make sense when the antonym is "Loyalty".

A betrayal is a violation of someone’s trust.

And I take it seriously.

I learned when I was 9, an adult is capable to hurt children by violating their innocence. And then another adult that was supposed to protect me, instead of defending me, blamed me for it. I was basically called a whore. I felt like a whore. I still feel like one. 

When I was 12, my father betrayed my mother. I watched them fight and I watched my mother turned into a shell of who she was that would just cry on the corner of a room. They made up with him promising not to do it again.

When I was 15, my father sat me down and told me that he’s leaving me because he loved another woman. He did it again. When the pain in my chest hit me, then I realized that he didn’t only betray my mother. He betrayed me and my brother. He betrayed his family.

I lived with anger for six years. Denying any feeling that I felt abandoned and unloved. I suppressed the thought that me and my family is not worth of his love. I did that by being the best student and the best person I could be. I lived by codes that at the time I didn’t realize was chaotic and shaping me into an adult that I am today.

I never could trust anyone. Every relationship was a wave of perfect romance to unstable anger. I learned that I’m capable of betraying people that I care about. I had no control of my emotion. Half of the time I didn’t feel anything. By 21 I knew something wrong with me, I knew it’s name but I wouldn’t self-diagnose. I was a psychology student at the time.  It would be a betrayal to my code.
  

I finally let myself to trust. To believe in the concept of love. She changed how I see the world and I confide. I wasn’t perfect, but it felt like we were. Until she cheated with a close a friend. 

I jumped to another relationship. We almost got married. But we had fundamental differences and one night she chose to abandoned me completely because that’s the only way she knows how to survive.

The similarity, they promised me..something. Something that doesn’t matter now because they couldn’t keep their promise. 

My parents re-married with each other in 2012. Weird, I know. I was in my parents wedding. Not a lot can say that if they are the biological child. But then we found out this year that he cheated again. This is the only betrayal that doesn't affect me anymore. I haven't considered him as a father since he walked out on us.

In the same year, I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Not without a series of messed up things and years of self destruction. There were several psychologists, depressions, self-harm, and suicide attempts. The diagnose is a relief and a curse. At least now I know for sure what kind of monster I am and (maybe) I can try to fight it.

Forgive me if this post is all over the place. I am not in the best state of mind and I need to pour it out somewhere. Because I just experienced another type of betrayal and I honestly don’t know how to handle it. “Practice makes it perfect” doesn’t work in trauma. 

For simplicity reasoning, I have to make my story compact. I am not a saint or victimizing myself. I’m just trying to explain that I’ve faced so many betrayals and why it hurts. I’d rather call myself a survivor but my self hate would call it a justification for a shitty person that I am.