A short story of me and betrayal

Do you ever think closely about the concept of “Betrayal”? By definition, betrayal is the action of betraying one's country, a group, or a person; treachery. It has “Disloyalty", "Treacherous", and "Bad Faith” as synonym. So it make sense when the antonym is "Loyalty".

A betrayal is a violation of someone’s trust.

And I take it seriously.

I learned when I was 9, an adult is capable to hurt children by violating their innocence. And then another adult that was supposed to protect me, instead of defending me, blamed me for it. I was basically called a whore. I felt like a whore. I still feel like one. 

When I was 12, my father betrayed my mother. I watched them fight and I watched my mother turned into a shell of who she was that would just cry on the corner of a room. They made up with him promising not to do it again.

When I was 15, my father sat me down and told me that he’s leaving me because he loved another woman. He did it again. When the pain in my chest hit me, then I realized that he didn’t only betray my mother. He betrayed me and my brother. He betrayed his family.

I lived with anger for six years. Denying any feeling that I felt abandoned and unloved. I suppressed the thought that me and my family is not worth of his love. I did that by being the best student and the best person I could be. I lived by codes that at the time I didn’t realize was chaotic and shaping me into an adult that I am today.

I never could trust anyone. Every relationship was a wave of perfect romance to unstable anger. I learned that I’m capable of betraying people that I care about. I had no control of my emotion. Half of the time I didn’t feel anything. By 21 I knew something wrong with me, I knew it’s name but I wouldn’t self-diagnose. I was a psychology student at the time.  It would be a betrayal to my code.
  

I finally let myself to trust. To believe in the concept of love. She changed how I see the world and I confide. I wasn’t perfect, but it felt like we were. Until she cheated with a close a friend. 

I jumped to another relationship. We almost got married. But we had fundamental differences and one night she chose to abandoned me completely because that’s the only way she knows how to survive.

The similarity, they promised me..something. Something that doesn’t matter now because they couldn’t keep their promise. 

My parents re-married with each other in 2012. Weird, I know. I was in my parents wedding. Not a lot can say that if they are the biological child. But then we found out this year that he cheated again. This is the only betrayal that doesn't affect me anymore. I haven't considered him as a father since he walked out on us.

In the same year, I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Not without a series of messed up things and years of self destruction. There were several psychologists, depressions, self-harm, and suicide attempts. The diagnose is a relief and a curse. At least now I know for sure what kind of monster I am and (maybe) I can try to fight it.

Forgive me if this post is all over the place. I am not in the best state of mind and I need to pour it out somewhere. Because I just experienced another type of betrayal and I honestly don’t know how to handle it. “Practice makes it perfect” doesn’t work in trauma. 

For simplicity reasoning, I have to make my story compact. I am not a saint or victimizing myself. I’m just trying to explain that I’ve faced so many betrayals and why it hurts. I’d rather call myself a survivor but my self hate would call it a justification for a shitty person that I am.

Gimana?

How to give a good advice to a close friend who already thinking about a divorce plan?

Alias, gimana caranya memberikan saran yang baik kepada teman dekat yang sudah berpikir tentang rencana perceraian?

Jawabannya, gak ada, karena jelas, cerai itu tidak baik, tapi hubungan tanpa keinginan yang kuat, terutama usaha yang kuat untuk tetap bersama juga tidak baik.

Tapi seorang teman bertanya dan lu pengen jawab jangan tapi lu gak tau situasi yang pasti dan apa yang ada dalam hati dan pikiran teman lu dan pasangannya.

Cara aman si dgn bilang "berdoa meminta petunjuk pada Tuhan" itu uda paling bener, tapi kita bicara tentang manusia, dan manusia itu sangat, unik kalo dibilang gila itu menghina, mereka akan tetap cerita ke sesama manusia bukan karena mereka gak percaya kuasa Tuhan, tapi karena dari sesama manusia mereka berharap untuk mendapatkan petunjuk, kalo gak sekedar dukungan either atas sikap mereka ato pendapat mereka tentang bukan mereka yang salah, yang kemudian kadang akan mereka anggap sebagai perpanjangan petunjuk dari Tuhan.

Diam mungkin juga merupakan solusi terbaik, tapi as a fucking extrovert person i am, kalo ada yg cerita ato perlu saran, otak gw gatel klo gak menyarankan, tapi trus gw bingung, apa yang sebaiknya gw katakan kalo situasinya begini?

Maka kita kembali pada pertanyaan, how to give a good advice to a close friend who already thinking about a divorce plan?

Manusia itu aneh, ditambah satu lagi yang setipe, trus tinggal di satu tempat dalam jangka panjang there's got to be a whole lot of stok sabar, dan kemampuan untuk mengalahnya uda gak bisa tingkat medium ato amateur,uda harus lebih dari profesional, but then manusia itu diciptakan dengan se-kepala otak, dan se-badan ego, menurut ngana?

Lalu gimana caranya menyarankan seorang teman yang sudah berpikir tentang cerai untuk tidak terlalu terburu-buru mengambil keputusan?

I'm a human after all, musingin hal yang sebenarnya gak ada sangkut pautnya sama gw, FML, ato mungkin karena... sometime hetero people annoys me to bits, karena mereka jarang ada penghalang yang berarti untuk mutusin menikah tapi tetap ego mereka masing-masing di nomer satukan ketika menghadapi masalah rumah tangga, sedangkan guuuweeeh, mau elus sayang ato mandang sayang pacar gw di tempat umum aja kudu hati-hati, but then... it easy to take some things for granted, kalo kita cenderung mudah mendapatkan ato mewujudkannya kan?

Jadi gimana?

Kasih saran aman? Diam? Ato caci maki? HAHAHAHA

Jangan nikah, kalo ego lu masih lebih gede dari tinggi ato berat badan lu.

Sedih, karena, they're such a great couple.